15 Things I Don’t Get
Lots of stupid thoughts come to me. Thoughts I don’t have answers for. Here are some of them:
• Why is it everyone says newspapers are the dying media when you can walk into any college classroom, ask the students how many of them even own a radio and find out they don’t even have the device that allows them to receive radio programming? By the way, I went; I asked. The answer was zero.
• Why can’t we get good cholesterol and bad cholesterol in one room and just talk this thing out?
• Why is it drivers still block the box? I mean how many times do you have to sweat being stuck in middle of an intersection before you realize that it’s a stupid thing to do to gain 30 feet of forward movement?
• Why is it Vermont and New Hampshire aren’t just one state called Verhampshire? By the way, I would suggest my home state of Pennsylvania and New York combine as well, but Pork would be a stupid name for a state.
• Why is it that “information wants to be free” but that new laptop of yours I covet doesn’t?
• Why is is that Mitch Hedberg has to go away but Carlos Mencia gets to stay?
• Why is it newspapers are folding but nail salons seem to be everywhere? And have you ever heard a man say this: “Geez, she’s smart, funny, athletic, good looking ... but ... damn, I’ll have to pass because she doesn’t have a French manicure.”?
• Why is it my wife insists on leaving the oven door slightly open after we’ve used it so “the heat can come out into the house”? Where does she think it goes when the door is closed?
• The next time someone sitting next to me on the train decides to have a long unnecessary cell phone conversation a foot from my ear, why can’t I pull out a WWII surplus walki talki, say I’ll be just a minute, then start yelling “Charlie Bravo Alpha Tango Foxtrot!”
• Why does my wife face losing her job when she performed exceptionally in a company performing exceptionally only because a bigger company that was performing unexceptionally took them over for their products? And they say the Borg are fictional.
• Why am I the only person to see that Rap Music and NASCAR are popular for the same reason? People watch because they elevate ordinary things to star status. Most people can’t sing opera or dunk a basketball. But everyone talks and everyone drives. It’s a much easier fantasy to imagine yourself rapping or driving your way to stardom.
• Why is it you can’t get Mountain Dew as a mixer at most bars? (And as a corollary, why do women in bars laugh at me?)
• Why is it I can’t help wondering if all the protestors I see on TV spent their time volunteering instead of dressing up for cameras things would run better?
• Why is it I got on an elevator today with two people who rode it down three floors talking the entire time how they needed to exercise and lose weight?
• Why is it Windex bottle have an OFF setting? Are there a lot of Windex deaths I’m not familiar with? You know, “Geez, he died but at least he’s not streaky.”
That’s just what’s been rolling around inside my head lately. You enjoy. I’ll go seek help. Till then ... stay Loose.
Blogged Arteries
Monday, April 20, 2009
